


Restraining Order

by anna_chronistic



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Comedy, Cosette stalks Marius back, Crack, Gen, Javert is dumber, Javert's confused investigation, Lots of it, Out of Character, Short One Shot, Stalking, This Is STUPID, Valjean is dumb, ambiguous time period, it's so inaccurate it hurts, sorry victor hugo, this may or may not be anachronistic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 08:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11620086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anna_chronistic/pseuds/anna_chronistic
Summary: Valjean is tired of being stalked.  He needs to tell the police so he can file a restraining order.  So Valjean contacts inspector Javert of the Paris police department so he can file a restraining order against...inspector Javert.





	Restraining Order

**Author's Note:**

> Umm...idk what was going through my mind when I wrote this.

Now that Thénardier had revealed Jean Valjean's identity to Javert, he is screwed. He's pretty sure he's seen that cop singing a song about catching him at 3 a.m. Hella creepy. This situation is even more complicated now that he has Cosette. He hopes that nothing like this ever happens to her in the foreseeable future.

Ever since 24601 broke parole 17 years ago, Valjean has been worried that Javert is out to get him. So he came to the only logical conclusion there is, which was to file a restraining order against Javert.

~~~~~~~~At the Paris Police Department~~~~~~~

Javert is doing police stuff when he is interrupted by a mysterious man. "How can I help you?" Javert asks.

"I've been stalked and would like to file a restraining order," said the man. "Against whom?" asked Javert.

"His name is René Javert, and he's been following me for 17 years. 9 years ago he fought me in a hospital and I had to knock him out. He even sings about catching me at night. And I have a kid to raise, so this kind of messes with me."

"That Javert guy sounds really creepy," said Javert. "I'll make sure you get that restraining order as soon as possible."

"Sweet," said the man.

"Can I get your name and address, please? This is so that if Javert ever comes within 15 meters of your house, we can notify police immediately."

"Sure. My name is Jean Valjean, and my address is 55 Rue Plumet."

"Excellent. Now if we ever catch that Javert bastard, he will go to jail and no longer bother you. Rest assured, monsieur."

"Thanks for helping," said Valjean.

~~~~~~~~At 55 Rue Plumet~~~~~~~~

There is a knock at the door. Valjean comes to answer it. It is none other than inspector René Javert.

"This is just a quick welfare check," said the inspector. "Hopefully you're doing okay now that the restraining order has been put to use. But we still can't find this Javert you speak of."

"I'm doing just fine," said Valjean. "Maybe that deterred Javert from ever contacting me again."

"Alright, have a good evening," Javert said as he left.

5 minutes later there is another knock at the door. Valjean opens it to see a very stern-looking inspector Javert.

"I have come to arrest the escaped convict Jean Valjean. After some investigational work, I have found where he lives. The other day, some man came to my office and gave me his address."

"There's no need to arrest me. I've become an honest man, I swear," said Jean.

"Nonsense. Come with me, 24601," Javert said coldly.

"You have to listen, inspector. This isn't Jean Valjean, this is...uhh, um," Valjean was trying to think of a fake name.  
"John Valjohn!"

"My bad, John Valjohn. I must have got the wrong address," said the confused inspector. And then Javert was on his way, contemplating what he did wrong this time.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

This time, it's a girl that shows up at the police station.

"What seems to be the problem, mademoiselle?" asked the police.

"There's this guy that has been following me for 2 months and keeps staring at me from afar. My papa said that this behavior is called 'stalking', and it's frowned upon by law enforcement. I drew a rough sketch of the perpetrator," she says, handing it to Javert.

"Would you like to file a restraining order?"

"No, I would like to know where he lives so that we can get to know each other. Then it won't be considered stalking, right?"

"I'm not sure if you understand the technicalities of stalking. You should probably get a restraining order."

"I'm fully aware of the legal implications, monsieur. I'm just okay with being stalked because I'm lonely," said the girl.

"Fair enough," said Javert.

"If you have any information on him, let me know. My name is Cosette Valjean, and my address is 55 Rue Plumet," said the girl.

_There is absolutely nothing suspicious about that name and address_ , Javert thought.


End file.
